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Politics :: Features :: Donald Trump :: Paste

If there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, it’s that he loves to get freaky at the side of his freak base of lunatic rage-heads. The absolute best means to try this? Wedge issues, kid! Get ‘em riled up! Get the dummies frothing at the mouth over some specious nonsense!

This is especially environment friendly when the entire thing else is falling to pieces—when your healthcare fantasies are going up in smoke as a result of John McCain, when your absolute best idea for Puerto Rico aid is to throw paper towel rolls at reporters, when your own cabinet members are calling you a moron. When the heat gets somewhat of too scorching, there’s steadily aid throughout the valuable wedge.

The NFL protests gave Trump a hell of a wedge. A couple avid gamers knelt to toughen the always-controversial issue of racial equality, conservatives in some way made it about troops, and beautiful briefly the rage sparks were flying for the reason that struggle ballooned. Of course, Trump spotted his chance a mile away and amplified the hell out of it until the entire country was once at each and every other’s throats. It was once bold, it was once masterful, and it was once wedge-y as hell. He gave all of America a wedgie.

That mentioned, the NFL story is fading, as every wedge story must. Some wedge stories are one-and-done, some are seasonal, and a couple of, like gay marriage, get left throughout the dustbin of building. But if Trump wishes to stick his crazies in Frenzied Mob Mode, he’ll need something new. Here at Paste, we’ve were given our finger on the pulse of American politics, and we believe we can lend a hand. Below are ten ideas for longer term wedge issues Trump could make use of. Some are earlier classics, some are completely new, alternatively all of them will get the stupids a’seethin.


1. THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Yes! You knew it was once coming, kid. Bill O’Reilly may be buried six feet throughout the flooring (or in all probability he merely got fired…we aren’t paying attention), alternatively his pet issue lives on. We’re only a couple months transparent of this 12 months’s celebration of the start of Jesus, the individual evangelicals in this country pretend to worship without working out what he did, why he did it, or how his categories will also be carried out in trendy life. Instead, they place far more importance on the symbols of his holiday, because of if there’s one thing that can have in truth mattered to Jesus, it’s that everyone in America had a fir or balsam or pine tree to represent him, kinda. And Trump is acutely aware of along with any folks do that there’s steadily some nasty liberal somewhere having a look to get a town Christmas tree taken down, or some hippie instructor forcing her basic college to hold a non-denominational pageant, or each and every different outrageous teen vandalizing a manger. You have two months of A+ wedge material proper right here, Mr. President Trump, so get the hell on it.


Troops connection: Every very good wedge issue has to have a troops connection. If you’ll be capable to’t accuse libs of insulting the troops, you’re no longer giving the rustic an actual wedgie. In this case, it’s easy—our troops are over there, within the ones countries, fighting those crucial and completely vital and justified wars, and there are only a few problems they can depend on. One of those? Christmas. Christmas reminds them of area. A struggle on Christmas is a struggle on troops. Why do you hate the troops?


2. BATHROOM STUFF

I don’t suppose this was once every actually maxed out. Sure, you had Republicans in North Carolina 

and Texas making political hay out of bathrooms for a while, alternatively there’s no reason this will’t transfer national. Basically, the strategy proper right here is simple—merely insist that trans folks using the proper public bathrooms is an actual drawback. It’s specifically frightening to conservatives when you invoke the specter of a person who was once assigned male at starting, alternatively who now identifies as a girl, using a girls’s public restroom. Even if the evidence of any precise crime as a result of this situation isn’t as much as scant, steadily take into account that evidence isn’t required. Just shout things like: THEY’RE PREYING ON OUR DAUGHTERS! Alex Jones will make up a few assault stories, the New York Times will assign some worry trolling stooge like Bret Stephens to faux there’s meat on this bone, and in a while they country could be eating out of your palm.


Troops connection: Hey, look, our TROOPS didn’t struggle within the ones in a foreign country countries in completely vital and justified wars most efficient to return again area and have the ones MONSTERS prey on their PRECIOUS DAUGHTERS in PUBLIC BATHROOMS. Why do you hate the troops?!


3. ANTIFA IS OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM

The American correct hasn’t utterly ignited in opposition to Antifa however, alternatively you’ll be capable to truly really feel the heat rising. These folks scare the bejeezus out of them. Liberals are supposed to be cowardly whiners, alternatively the ones guys and girls placed on black masks, harm property, and make it tough for fascists to march in public. It’s the very best choice to create a false equivalency. Trump tried it, briefly, after Charlottesville, and met with an enormous backlash. But if he can get his Russian troll army to start spreading details about Antifa murder sprees, are we able to in truth suppose his supporters are going to fact-check? In fact, if there’s one criticism I’ve of Trump, it’s that he hasn’t exploited the entire credulity of his supporters enough. Just outright lie to them. I don’t suppose the ones folks ever pass away their area anyway, so broadcast the message on Facebook and Fox News, and in addition you’re set.


Troops connection: Hey look, if the ones Antifa punks had any courage, they’d save their fighting for the military, where they could be deployed on completely vital and justified missions to in a foreign country countries. Our troops are protecting our freedoms abroad, alternatively the ‘Tifas are terrorizing us at home? That’s anti-troop all the means.


4. BLACK LIVES MATTER IS OUR BIGGEST PROBLEM

Easy—they’re black. It says so correct throughout the determine.


Troops connection: Not vital. Again, this group has the word black in it.


5. LIBERALS DRIVE WRONG

Thus a ways, we’ve maximum regularly relied on the earlier necessities, but if Trump is going to be one among history’s great wedge artists, he needs some new material. I’ve an excellent idea—the highways. Nothing is additional American, and no longer anything else evokes additional anger than using. They in truth have a time frame for it: Road Rage. I’ve moreover noticed that Republican men who private pickup trucks are the angriest drivers in the world. If you happen to be in front of them on the freeway, and have the audacity to slow down for a correct turn, they’ll tailgate you, scream bloody murder, and then rage-honk as they pass. Conservative aggression isn’t rather as raw as once they’re using. In other words, it is a easiest conceivable are compatible—get began spreading the message that liberals are prone, cowardly, and as well as dangerous drivers, and you could need to have a brand new movement for your fingers. If there’s a perilous accident involving a car with a Hillary or Bernie bumper decal, get Breitbart on the case, and get began stoking that white-hot fury. I swear to God this will likely most probably artwork.


Troops connection: Any motive force of a car and not using a yellow ribbon decal hates the troops and must be run off the road proper right into a ditch.


6. ANYTHING OTHER THAN FAST FOOD IS ELITIST

This is already brimming underneath the surface—when you bring to mind healthy eaters, you bring to mind liberals. Throw throughout the word “vegetarian” or, God forbid, “vegan,” and also you’ll be capable to in truth piss off a conservative. Imagine Trump at the podium in front of 10,000 raving lunatics in Alabama, merely introducing the theme slowly. “Folks, do you already know the ones liberals won’t consume fast foods? It’s true! They won’t consume McDonald’s. Is something wrong with McDonald’s? I consume McDonald’s. Believe me, if there was once something wrong with it, I’d know. I’d be the first person to grasp. But there’s no longer. So why won’t they consume it? Why won’t liberals consume McDonald’s?” Pretty briefly, you’d have conservatives committing false flag acts of vandalism at McDonald’s (like this idiot), attempting to further the narrative that liberals are fussy eaters and that they’ve declared struggle on fast foods.


Troops connection: Our troops consume fast foods. We would possibly simply almost certainly put a compilation together of infantrymen abroad eating fast foods and smiling to a few unsatisfied country music. It might be tricky. I suggest, is it merely me, or is it beautiful unhealthy that liberals suppose the foods that our private troops consume isn’t very good enough for them?


7. TREES ARE ANTI-AMERICAN

There’s already a dumb conservative talking degree about how trees must be banned since they kill such a large amount of drivers (it’s their means of trying out an unpleasant reductio ad absurdum vis-a-vis the gun argument). Why no longer take it a step further and actually demonize trees? With words like “tree-hugger” already throughout the lexicon, it’s excellent this hasn’t been carried out however. Conservative leaders, at the side of Trump, are steadily in search of new tactics to desecrate the environment for get advantages, alternatively they’ve steadily occupied with having a look to conceal or lower the environmental impact. Why no longer own up to it, and make the case that trees are unhealthy and must be destroyed? The record is plain—trees are liberal. Anyone who protects them hates America, hates money, hates jobs.


Troops connection: Trees were steadily being used to hide our enemies in Vietnam. Less so in Afghanistan and Iraq, since there’s no jungle there, alternatively the extent remains: Trees are anti-troop.


8. WHY DO WORDS HAVE TO HAVE MORE THAN TWO SYLLABLES?

I can write a complete issue on the goodness of using temporary words by the use of most efficient using temporary words. It’s easy. No person on the earth must have to use long words. In fact, only one longer word must be allowed: America. Or no—merely shorten that to ‘Murka. See? I’m doing it. I’m doing it, daddy Trump. I’m most efficient using little words. Big words are for unhealthy folks. God lend a hand me, I’ll under no circumstances use a big word over again like those unhealthy unhealthy libs. Bad and very good are very good words. Evil. Jobs. Muslim. Murka. I’m the glad Trump kid and I talk about simple.


Troops very good: Good. Troops.


9. LITHUANIANS

I don’t know, can we do something with Lithuanians? Are they unhealthy by some means? I’m in reality understanding of ideas proper right here. Ten wedge issues can have been too many.


Troops connection: Start a struggle with Lithuania.


10. MURDER

Let’s get began murdering! THE ULTIMATE WEDGE, BABY! MURDER IS OKAY NOW! MURDER IS ALLOWEDDDDDDDD YESSSSSSSSSSSS OH HELP ME PLEASE MR. DONALD I’M IN SO MUCH PAINNNNNN! RESURRECT ME, PRESIDENT TRUMP! MAKE ME YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND I WILL ATTACK THOSE TREES WITH A MIGHTY CHAINSAW! LIBERALS ARE BAD DRIVERS! ANTIFA ARE IN OUR BATHROOMS! BLACK LIVES MATTER ARE SECRET LITHUANIANS! I EAT FAST FOOD AT CHRISTMAS WHILE THE PRANKSTER TEEN MUSLIMS ARE SWITCHING OUT JESUS FOR THE WISEMAN THAT RIDES A SHEEP AND BRINGS FRANKINCENSE! FRANKINCENSE IS TOO LONG A WORDDDDDDDDDDD GAHHHH!!!!!


TROOOOPPSSSSSS!

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